Take Me To Orc Church | Review - BRIGHT

To be upfront:

Before I knew anything about Bright at all, I thought it was a good idea for Netflix to bankroll the movie. They have in the last 5-to-7 years become the new face of entertainment consumption and have given rise to a whole wave of stream-exclusive services and the products that occupy them. Dipping their toe into the feature film end of the pool could only help and after watching the movie, I still feel that way.

But I did watch the movie. And...well.

It's on Netflix if you want it.


Bright is a movie that features fantasy-inspired creatures living amongst humans in our modern day world. Just like in real life, there is a socioeconomic hierarchy that is very tangible. Elves represent the One Percent: the World Runners and holders of wealth. Humans of all races and creeds exist as a standard middle class. Not prospering but not persecuted, either. Persecution is reserved for the Orcs: a race of creatures that aided the Dark Lord in a massive war over 2,000 years ago - they have been shunned for the deed ever since. Oh, and Fairies seem to be mindless animals. Make of that what you will.

In this movie, we follow one human and one Orc. Officer Daryl Ward (Will Smith) is back on the job at LAPD after suffering critical injuries due to the negligence of his partner, Nick Jakoby (Joel Edgerton), who is the nation's first Orc police officer.

Will Smith is just okay with an affected charisma so glaring, one must wonder if rooting for this protagonist would be done so in irony. Not so for Joel Edgerton, who gives his all under a pile of Orc makeup. He's the only character in the movie that doesn't compromise himself and his struggle is the easiest to empathize with. Thankfully so, as development of any kind gets lost under a shower of bullets and F-bombs.


It becomes clear immediately what message the movie is trying to deliver. The Orcs - FUBU jerseys and all - are whatever marginalized minority group you want to plug in. African-Americans and Latinos especially fit the bill. Ward's fellow human officers ask how he could possibly stand having "that pigface" (yeah, really) in his car. Ward says he can't, but that he's making the most of it as a professional.

It was about at this point that I realized this movie takes place in Gotham City. I know our heroes are in the LAPD and the movie points out any time it can that we're in LA, but... This is Gotham, folks. Nevermind that they spend half the film running the streets in gallons of rain (which doesn't happen that often in Southern California) but it seems that every single cop is corrupt to some varying degree. Officer Ward is confronted, in the same day, by two groups: two Internal Affairs officials who want him to illegally tape Jakoby lying about letting the Orc perp who shot him escape, and four beat cops who want Ward to shoot Jakoby at a crime scene and report it as a crossfire shooting.


The crime scene in question occurs at a safehouse where Ward and Jakoby encounter a magic wand and a Bright: a special magic-user capable of absorbing a wand's power with no buffer. Remember in Harry Potter how a wand was merely an outlet for a user's abilities and were treated with barely enough reverence to avoid being used as butt-scratchers? Well, in this world, they are described (via actual words written down) as "a nuclear weapon that grants wishes."

This means, obviously, that everyone wants it: the Cops, the Orcs, the Elves. Even the Cholos, lead by paraplegic gangster, Poison (Enrique Murciano). So, maybe now is a good time to mention that this is a David Ayer production. It was directed by him as well, so it totally makes sense why this movie features a grown man in a wheelchair uttering the phrase, "I need that magic wand, mang!"


Bright was written by Max Landis but it can't exactly be called a Landis script. He certainly wrote the story, and I give him credit for creating a unique concept and mythology. Adjustments could be made but the foundation is solid. You can see what he was going for and these extreme genre melds have become a staple of his writing. It appears however that Landis turned in his copy to Netflix some time ago, wherein the company handed it to Ayer, who promptly rewrote it to suit his Locker Room Talk needs.

Yet again, it's David Ayer up to his old tricks.

Cops - check.
LA - check.
'The Hood' - check.
Latino Gangsters - check.
Crime & Pestilence - double check.

Also evidenced is Ayer's apparent inability to write a female character of any consequence (Harley Quinn aside.) The two ladies playing Ward's wife and daughter (Dawn Olivieri and Scarlet Spencer, respectively) by all accounts seem to be good actors. You couldn't tell, though, as they get maybe five minutes of screen time before they are ushered off stage left. They could have not been in the movie at all; but work is hard to come by, so hopefully it leads to more for them.

Margaret Cho's Squad Sergeant is also ethically compromised and presents Ward with an interesting moral dilemma. But it's a character that can be played by any gender, and she is also gone after five minutes of screen time.

Then, there's Noomi Rapace: a great character actor who is wasted as the Elf Parkour Assassin, Leilah. She serves a hidden master and speaks in exposition, so any potential menace she holds as a villain disappears almost immediately. She and fellow Elf, Tikka (Lucy Fry) were both reduced to tropes in the same year that Wonder Woman destroyed the Summer Box Office.


It was eye-opening to watch this film with an LA native who paused the streaming service repeatedly to point out the several affluent neighborhoods Ayer tried to pass off as South Central and 'Da Barrio.' Ward, who is drowning in debt, lives in a house that is actually worth close to a quarter of a million dollars.

And from a technical standpoint, what a sloppy effort this is. The editing is haphazard at best and utterly lazy at worst, and the sound mix is bad to the point of distraction. A shotgun blast in one frame is overpowered by a line from Ward two seconds later. If Netflix truly wants to break into the big feature market, they have to give a better effort.


I've seen this movie called the worst of 2017. I can tell you that's not true. To do that, Bright would have to be worse than the two movies tied for that distinction: The Emoji Movie and The Snowman. 2018 will no doubt feature films as bad or worse, but for 2017, beating those films in badness is mathematically impossible.

But this movie isn't good. No getting around that. I don't hate it, because it seems like a waste of energy. I only decided to watch it because I was with a friend and we actively tore the movie apart. At the end, while fulfilled, I had no desire to see any portion of the movie a second time. It honestly seems like a film that the Instagram Generation can watch to feel like it 'made them think.'

After seeing the class war in Blade Runner 2049, this felt like an elementary level comprehension and for some people, that'll work fine. It sets up the universe, presents the mythology and, in terms of garnering interest for a follow-up, it succeeded mostly. Many people will eagerly await the continuing adventures of Ward and Jakoby on the mean streets of LA. But I'm not one of them.

This picture gets one extra star for the uncredited makeup team, who did pretty good.

2 Stars out of 5

Ultralight Beam | Review - Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

This isn’t going to go how you think.

These were the first words uttered by Luke in the first official trailer for Star Wars Episode VIII. He warned us all and still we chose not to listen. Well, listen to me now:

Like Blade Runner 2049, this is not a movie that can be properly discussed unless it is spoiled all to shit. So, I will do that in time.  As usual, look out for Rocket and Baby Groot – and if you haven’t seen the movie, close this tab once you see them. They’re…a tiny tree man and an alien who looks like a raccoon. Can’t miss ‘em.

First, without spoiling. This movie is a rollercoaster.

From the very beginning when we see ace Rebel pilot Poe Dameron (Oscar Isaac) taking out cannons on a First Order Star Destroyer, it’s clear that the Resistance is in dire straits and severely outgunned. In a desperate struggle to even the odds, Poe leads an attack against one of the enemy’s Destroyers. The operation is successful, but at the cost of their entire bombing fleet. This sets up a deadly game of cat-and-mouse between Supreme Leader Snoke (Andy Serkis) and the last three ships of the Resistance, as they fight to stay out of range of the massive ship’s Auto-Cannons.

Meanwhile, on a lonely island on the Outer Rim we see young Rey [REDACTED], who has located Jedi Master Luke Skywalker to convince him (or not) to return to battle and save the galaxy from unending darkness. And then… the movie starts.

This section will be very quick, seeing as I can’t spoil anything just yet. I liked this movie. I liked it more than The Force Awakens. I had my issues to be sure and I’ll list them in detail. But I can’t really do it without seeming like I’m nitpicking or perhaps didn’t like the film as much as I let on. There’s just a lot to talk about.

Also, I will say no – this is not Empire Redux. There are beats and there are moments, but all of these are what amount to, ‘Hey look, it’s Star Wars!’ moments. They didn’t lift an entire movie from thirty years ago; there is no second Death Star [SPOILER]. What we have instead is the Homecoming Effect.

Homecoming as in Spiderman: Homecoming. A movie that overcame its shortcomings through a combination of great execution and superb acting top to bottom. There was more to like than there wasn’t, and the stuff to like was so good that it very nearly overshadowed the stuff that wasn’t.

Nearly.

I do need to state, however, that this film marks a clear shift in the lore of Star Wars. Longtime fans of the franchise might not recognize what they see on screen. This movie – more than The Force Awakens and Rogue One before it – ushers in a new Star Wars era. However you feel about that might tell how you feel about this movie.

A solid effort that starts good, gets poor, then ends excellent. Worth seeing on the big screen. Make it part of your holiday plans.

4 Stars Out Of 5

Everyone here?

Can we pull over into Spoiler Town? Cool.

There’s another reason I compare The Last Jedi to Homecoming. Both films had Second Acts, both long and convoluted in their nature but were both saved by either a character or a set piece. One such subplot in Star Wars 8 introduces a neat character, but see if you can follow along until then.

The First Order’s fleet has been tracking the Resistance through hyperspace, which is (previously) impossible, but it turns out it’s only being done through one ship. That would be the head ship, housed by Snoke. So, Finn (John Boyega) and his other pilot friend, Rose Tico (Kelly Marie Tran), decide that the only way to escape is to disable the tracker from the inside, which they could do – if only they could sneak past the hourly encryption. One Skype call with Maz Kanata (Lupita Nyong’o), and they make a trek to a gathering of the rottenest scoundrels in the galaxy.

Not that one

A casino is where this trip takes them to find a master hacker with a flower lapel, who can sneak them past Snoke’s defenses, and give the Resistance enough time to warp unseen, but not before they run out of fuel, or else they’re screwed.

To put it nicely, this subplot is superfluous at best and a waste of film at worst. And it’s rendered null-and-void by the third act because A) They get caught and Dos) Half the Rebel Fleet gets blown up during the escape. What saved this middle portion for me was a combination of a very unique chase sequence featuring odd new horse-like creatures and Benicio Del Toro on my screen. An actor you can always expect a solid effort from, and he gives one here as DJ, the master hacker whom Rose and Finn meet on a whim in the brig after being arrested for illegal parking (lol). He teaches Finn a valuable lesson about the nature of War and shades of grey. It’s something that could’ve been expanded, if only our antagonist wasn’t so torn on which side he was on.

Oh. That’s right. Did I forget to mention?

Kylo Ren (Adam Driver) murders Supreme Leader Snoke. Not only does he murder him – he Darth Maul’s him. Straight cuts your boy in half. How’s that for a spoiler? Rather than kill Rey and complete his Sith training, he kills his Supreme Leader and disregards both sides of the war, leading to perhaps the best lightsaber fight sequence in Star Wars history, with Kylo and Rey engaging Snoke’s elite guard. It’s a massive swerve, and one that leaves a lot of questions. What does Ben want? Was it really just to turn Rey? She gave little indication of doing so, even during their telepathic bonding exercises. Does he really want to rule the galaxy?

And let’s not forget Rey. So much of her journey has been focused on her lineage, as in who are her parents, where does she come from? The fact is, she really doesn’t come from anywhere. Similar to Blade Runner 2049 where Officer K believes he is a special hybrid, only to be informed that he’s just another Replicant wrapped up in a story not his own. Rey’s parents (to borrow a phrase from Leia) were a couple of nerf-herding scavengers who sold their only daughter for drinking water. They are dead and buried in a pauper’s grave. No one to know; no one to care. The lesson here is the same as Blade Runner, of course. Your actions are what make you important, not your origins. How she became so powerful in the Force doesn’t really matter. It’s her will to do the right thing for her friends and Daisy Ridley sells that. But that’s not the only performance worth noting.

This wasn’t just Mark Hamill’s best performance as Luke Skywalker – this was his best performance period. It's an outing worthy of the legend. So much of this film’s emotional weight fell on him and he delivered far past what could have been expected for the eighth sequential Star Wars movie. His job, mostly, as an aging Jedi who has closed himself off from the force, is to convey great conflict without words. He does this with his facial expression and body language and lets us peer into the soul of a character who has suffered alone and in silence for three decades. His character arc and its resolution are very satisfying and one of the things that keeps this movie from being average for me.

There are many things in this movie that confound me. The rebels’ escape plan (or lack thereof); General Leia’s resuscitation from the vacuum of outer space that even ‘miraculous’ couldn’t properly describe; the abandoned salt planet that upper command decided would be where the Resistance regrouped.

Make no mistake: Commander Poe was a bit of a dick throughout this movie, to the point of being demoted even. But did no one think to inform him or anyone else about the plan to flee to the conveniently placed Rebel Base? You can say that was the plan all along, and I can say it’s bogus. One of the biggest no-no’s in storytelling is adding new information, and that’s exactly what this is. At no point was it referenced that an uncharted world was waiting for them. One extra line of exposition and this criticism wouldn’t be needed. As it stands, words must be had.

The extra drama isn’t necessary. They’re already running for their lives. No extra tension is needed inside the ship. We certainly don’t need a mutiny. Imagine a Second Act built entirely around the chase. The plan from the jump is to make it to the salt planet (and you still do your hacker subplot to get Finn back on Snoke’s ship to face down Phasma) and the crew sits helpless as they burn fuel knowing this is their only chance to survive. They flee the cruiser in transport ships and set the stage for the final conflict.

The Last Jedi can be broken up into four segments: the beginning battle and Rey’s first days with Luke; the scheme at the casino; Snoke’s death and the fall of his Destroyer; and the final battle on the barren planet.

I’ll say it again. The middle portion of this movie will seem tough to get through at times. But if you do make it through you will be handsomely rewarded. Believe me when I say that the final forty minutes of The Last Jedi is the best Star Wars film I’ve ever seen. Pure, Grade-A, 100% genuine Star Wars action. It cannot be missed and is worth the price of admission.

I believe that when critiquing a movie, one should always look at everything it has to offer. Take note of its shortcomings, don’t overlook them, but be willing to give credit to a film that gets its story back on track. That’s just what Episode VIII did and it’s better for it. The sum of its parts are better than its missing pieces. Even though there are several of them.

The things that stick with you best from any media are what you see first and last. Starting with an epic battle and ending with an all-time iconic moment are what will take this installment in the Star Wars franchise from a passerby to a mainstay.