Quiet Time

Some musical accompaniment for your faces. Technically, I was listening to the Cowboy Bebop soundtrack when writing this but I feel this song does just as good a job capturing my somber yet emotionally charged mood that night. Often times my haste gets the best of me and all of the ideas in my head try to get out at once. But Bebop holds a special place for me. So I feel it will serve me best to save those ideas for a more appropriate time. When the time comes we'll get down to the uncanny parallels between myself and the World of Bebop. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Spelunking into the dark, long dormant corners of the hard drive. Looking back over everything, everything I've written. Re-reading my own stuff is hard enough to do by itself but it's different this time. Anyone who's known me long enough knows that the last two years of my life have been...interesting. I can't say they've changed me because, as I've said, life doesn't build character, it reveals it. And this time and these words have revealed this to me.

I was mistaken. About many things. Really, the one thing I am sure about is that I'm Kyle and I messed up. Mostly because I was thinking thoughts not of my own meddle. Now there's nothing wrong with having your ideas and philosophies influenced by others; that's where most ideas come from. But it gets to a point where life happens and you realize just how sterile and petty it all really was. That all of your supposed beliefs had been so steered -- if even unconsciously so -- that there was no room for growth. That when it came time to be truly tested, it was much harder bough and not break against the winds of change. Harder than even you remember. That when it comes to making the big choices that actually matter, you aren't much of anything. A tough pill to swallow, but no less true.

It was never really my choice. Never a chance to sink or swim. Late one night, in what should have been a defining moment to see how I dealt with adversity, I was sent away for the night. "It's time to be an adult and deal with this issue. No, it's time to be a child and go to bed." Not all of this could be helped, I know. But that didn't make it any less of a problem.

Here I stand now. 20 years of age more or less on my own and it never ceases to amaze what a difference a year can make. The fact that my views on life, love, spirituality and otherwise wonders of the Universe have shifted so completely simply because I stand on my own two is something to marvel at. Only when it was truly Sink or Swim was I able to fully realize this.

But I'm off track. What matters is my writing. And that most of it centers on how I view the world at large. Hindsight being what it is, I find them to be flawed. The unnecessary schmaltz, Kumbaya mumbo jumbo, nostalgia over unimportant bullshit. I once had a plan to collect all of my writings together for a super compilation of all things KD. That's not gonna happen now without some major modifications. This may even include editing and updating my numerous FB Notes accordingly. Time will tell.

The overall messages would more or less stay the same since I can't really change the way I felt at that time. But the delivery - the tone - that needs an upgrade. Now that I can actually write. For reals this time.

Call it brash. Call it cynical. Perhaps unfamiliar. But it really does seem like this is the KD that was always meant to be. Again time will tell. But for the first time in what might be forever, it all feels about right. So we'll just roll with this for awhile.


Thank you for your time,
~KDG